My Addiction-Explained
another day
I look in the mirror
still the same
no more hair than yesterday
block out the pain
as I watch myself
put on the makeup
under which I try to hide
the disguise can’t erase
the shame and embarrassment
this self-torture
brings upon me
I try to control my hands
that ravage destruction
on the few fragile lashes
that dare attempt to grow
in a war with myself
two pieces forever fight
no rest, no hope
in my self-made pain
I am a prisoner trapped within
I try to get free but
have no control as I am
pulled back by an invisible force
remission never lasts
always fall back
an endless cycle of
devastating hair pulling
twelve years
I have struggled
to overcome this addiction
much more than a bad habit
my compassionate compulsion
inviting misery and good pain
lies all lies I tell myself because
I cannot control this obsession
continuous treatment
therapy, doctors, MRIs
more medication than
I ever knew existed
nothing ever seems to help
no matter how hard I try
still I cannot break free
from this part of my life
haunted by alienation
like I’m some kind of freak
no one seems to understand
people say “just stop”
search for answers
strength, a way to
overcome this monster
that I hate
to the outsider
it seems so simple, but
it’s a complex disorder
called trichotillomania
~2006