Tag Archives: peace

Conflict in Relationships

img_5156Any type of stress, anxiety, anger, or conflict makes my pulling worse. It is a self-soothing behavior that helps me calm down and often dissociate from my feelings. Over the past few years, I have been working to use helpful strategies that help me relax without pulling my hair (which only leaves me feeling worse in the end).
As a high stress person, I have suffered with anxiety for most of my life. It still plagues me at times, but I have learned strategies to calm my mind and body. Taking a quick break from the situation, praying, practicing deep breathing, and trying to find a more positive outlook are some simple tools that have helped me.

If I catch myself being negative or getting stressed out, I try to take a step back and look at the situation objectively. In the past, I would catastrophize my situation. Now, I can identify those feelings and look for the truth.

  • Are my concerns based on truth?
  • Can I do anything about this?
  • Is there a more positive outlook I can strive for?
  •  If the worst case senario does play out, is it really that bad?

Beyond my stress and anxiety is anger that can cause relationship problems. The following article presents 3 ways to create conflict (and therein, 3 ways to avoid it). I know I am guilty of these and am making it a priority to avoid them. Reducing conflicts in our relationships, greatly increases our overall well-being.

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Three Sure Ways to Create Conflict

By Rick Warren

“Any fool can start arguments; the honorable thing is to stay out of them” (Proverbs 20:3 TEV).

Wise people are peacemakers, not troublemakers. Wise people don’t carry a chip on their shoulder. They’re not always looking for a fight, and they don’t intentionally antagonize other people.

The fact is, if you’re around anybody for any length of time, you’ll figure out what that person does that irritates you, and you file that information in the back of your mind as a tool to use when you get in an argument. It becomes a personal “weapon of mass destruction”! When you get in an argument, and that person says something that hurts, offends, or slights you in any way, then you pull out the big gun. You push the hot button. And it works every time!

You know what the Bible calls that? Foolishness! You’re not getting any closer to the resolution. You’re not helping the relationship. In fact, you’re hurting it. It is not wise.

Proverbs 20:3 says, “Any fool can start arguments; the honorable thing is to stay out of them” (TEV).


We all use tools, tricks of the trade, and skills in relationships that are actually counter productive. They’re hurtful, they’re harmful, and they don’t get you what you want out of relationships. In fact, they get you the exact opposite behavior. But when we lack wisdom, we use them anyway.

There are many of these tools, but here are just a few:

1. Comparing. Never compare your wife, your husband, your kids, your boss, or anybody else, because everybody’s unique. Comparing antagonizes anger.

2. Condemning. When you start laying on the guilt in a relationship, all you’re going to do is get the exact opposite of what you expect. It doesn’t work. It’s foolish.

3. Contradicting. William James, the famous psychologist said, “Wisdom is the art of knowing what to overlook.” There’s some stuff you just need to overlook.


The Bible says in Proverbs 14:29, “A wise man controls his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes” (TLB). Have you ever said or done anything stupid out of anger? Yes? Because when you get angry, your intelligence goes out the window. When you get angry, you say and do foolish things that are actually self-defeating.

Did you ever think about the fact that there is only one letter difference between “anger” and “danger”? When you get angry, you are in dangerous territory. You are about to hurt others — and yourself — with your own anger.

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Battling Bipolar Mania

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Racing mind never stops
Thoughts run out
In uncontrollable speech
driving others mad

I see myself causing anxiety
But am unable to stop
I prefer depression
No one knows what is going on inside

My mania overflows and
Cannot be contained within
Fully exposed and vulnerable
Unable cope with life

Forever writing lists and setting alarms
Help me focus despite my desire to accomplish
Every random thought that pops into my mind
I get a LOT done, but
My long disorganized process
Concerns everyone around me and
distracts me from pressing responsibilities

I don’t know what to do
It’s never been this bad

God please take this!
Heal me help me
Strengthen me
I know you are there
and will not give me more
than I can take so you
Must think I’m pretty strong

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Reflections: Peace

Peace is not something you wish for; it’s something you make, something you do, something you are. ~ Robwert Fulghum

It’s quite natural to crave a feeling of peace.  This is true whether you are experiencing a significant mental health issue, coping with a personal crisis such as a divorce or the death of loved one, or just trying to effectively manage the vicissitudes of every day life.  If you have Skin Picking Disorder or Trichotillomania, peace is likely something you have been “wishing” for throughout your struggle.  Of course, it would be wonderful if a feeling of peace would descend upon us just by wishing for it.  But in reality, peace requires action. If you are committed to finding peace, you must wholeheartedly agree to do the work involved in attaining it.

Sometimes, the urge to pick or pull can be so powerful that you might find it difficult to even have a few moments of peace.  In many ways, peace is a function of acceptance, in that it requires you to accept reality as it is, rather than as you would like it to be.  Some with Dermatillomania or Trichotillomania describe urges as being like a loud sound that can’t be ignored – as if someone has turned the volume of the urge up so high that it is the only thing you can pay attention to.  In order for you to move through and past this extremely distracting urge, the first thing you must do is to fully accept its existence.  If you spend your time attempting to control or avoid your picking and pulling urges, all you are doing is spending time engaging with something you simply cannot control.

Once you have accepted the presence of your loud and annoying urges to pick or pull, you can choose to engage in other activities.  When you do this, you will notice the volume of your urges decreases because they are no longer front and center.  They will still be there, but they will not be all consuming.  By choosing the action of doing something other than engaging with the urge, you take an enormous step forward in your recovery.

Choosing to act differently than you have in the past in response to your urges may at first feel quite difficult.  But keep in mind that peace is not just wishing or hoping – peace is “something you do”.  It is something that requires repeated practice.  And with effort and commitment, it eventually becomes “something you are”.

1. In what ways are you accepting, or not accepting, of your unwanted urges to pick or pull?

2. What actions might you take to further develop a peaceful, accepting relationship with your urges?

3. What are some activities that you find peaceful, and how can you implement them in your daily life?

Tip of the week: This week, try to be mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and actions at those times when you are able to accept and move through an urge without giving in to it.  Notice if there is a sense of peace after you accept an urge rather than trying to control it.  Practice this approach in order to develop a consistent, new pattern of responding to your urges with acceptance, action…and peace.

Written by
Kelley Franke, BA and Tom Corboy, MFT
© 2014 OCD Center of Los Angeles